Weekly Weird

Driver Confessions: O’ Brother, Where Art Thou?

By March 11, 2016February 11th, 20204 Comments

Contents:

    A few weeks ago, we asked for your driver confessions in a segment called “Weekly Weird”. We wanted to hear the craziest stories from the road and offer an Amazon gift card to spur the storytelling.

    Suffice it to say, we weren’t disappointed with our submissions, and there is a chance that we may still use your story in the future since there were quite a few good ones. I’ve done over six thousand rides and I’m actually almost jealous. Almost.

    Driver Confessions: O' Brother, Where Art Thou?

    Driver Confessions: O’ Brother, Where Art Thou?

    This week we chose a story from RSG reader Bob, and we also decided to share a second place story too.

    Send Us Your Story: Win A $25 Amazon Gift Card

    Fill this form out if you would like to share your driver confessions. If we use your story you will have the option to remain anonymous. We can also agree to change names, places, times, etc in order to protect your identity 😉  They don’t have to be shock stories. In fact, after a week of passenger stories involving bong-hits, beer cans, unsolicited sexual advances, and outright murder threats, I may need something to restore my faith in humanity…

    O’ Brother Where Art Thou? – from “Bob”

    Late one Tuesday night last fall, I received a ride request from a bar about ten miles away. It was from a five-star rider (a newbie, as it turned out) so I must have been the only one online for quite a while. About eight minutes into the 14 minute drive, the passenger canceled on me, only to re-request the ride seconds later.

    When I arrived to the pickup address, I found the strip mall completely deserted, save for a large RV with several men standing around. As I pulled up, I asked if someone had requested an Uber. The least intoxicated of the group said, “oh, yeah, it’s for these guys,” and gestured to a pair of twin brothers so drunk they were barely able to keep their eyes open, much less stand up straight.

    Being a relative newbie at the time, I thought this was something I could easily handle. The barely-conscious brothers were placed in the car – one in front, one in back – and proceeded to pass out.

    Their friends and I had to buckle them into their seats. Once everyone was secured, I left for the address I was given. About a mile into the ride, the brother in the back seat wakes up.

    He looks around confused… he doesn’t know where he is. All he can deduce in his drunken stupor is that he is in a stranger’s car, and he does not like it.

    “WHO THE F*** ARE YOU?”

    “WHO THE F*** ARE YOU!!!!!!!!”

    “WHAT DID YOU DO TO MY BROTHER????!?!?!!”

    Driver Confessions

    WHO THE F&*& ARE YOU AND WHERE IS MY BROTHER????

     

    All the while banging on the back of his brother’s seat.

    As I now know, it’s impossible to explain simple concepts to the severely drunk. Unfortunately that didn’t stop me from trying. After about a minute of this, the brother in the front seat comes to, somehow remembers they’re in an Uber, and calms his twin in the back seat.

    Then he pulled two cans of beer out of his pocket, handed one to his brother in the back, and opened his.

    “Hey, you can’t drink that in here,” I said. He didn’t care, and proceeded to pass out again, spilling the entire beer all over the seat and the floor.

    When we reached their destination, the now half-empty beer can was on the floor. His brother’s beer was unopened. I then noticed the pants of the guy in the front seat were wet – from the inside. He was so drunk he had urinated on himself (and on my seat). I commanded them to get out and pointed at the house they were supposed to go to.

    The show wasn’t over. I watched as the brother from the front seat walked up to his neighbor’s front door, unzipped, and started urinating on the door – presumably, to finish what he started in my car. Meanwhile, the brother from the back seat briefly got out, and then got back in.

    driver confessions

    Sometimes walls will pee back! Here’s an interesting article on how that works in SF…

    He decided he wanted to go to another bar. At this point, I turned off the car, walked around to the passenger side, opened the back door and told him to get out – again. He refused to budge. I threatened to call the cops, but he didn’t seem to care. Then I walked back around to the driver’s side, retrieved my 12″ Mag-Lite from the pocket on the driver’s door, walked back over to his side, and again told him to get out.

    At this point, the brother from the front seat – who was just finishing up on the neighbor’s porch – saw what was going on and started running toward the car, pants around his ankles. Instead of taking a swing at me (as I was anticipating), he began pulling his brother out of the back seat.

    Soon, the two were arguing – and then fighting – on the front lawn. I got into my urine-soaked car and drove away, leaving two drunk twins – one of them bare-assed and covered in his own piss – wrestling in a suburban front yard at 2 a.m. on a Tuesday.

    I then drove to the nearest well-lit gas station, took pictures, and submitted the brothers’ one-star rating and cleaning fee request to Uber, who responded within 10 minutes with the standard “sorry, some people are dicks” message and a sizable deposit into my driver account. Since then, I don’t allow open containers or unconscious people in my car.

    Def Leppard – from “Captain Jack”

    I don’t know if this qualifies or not, but after over 700 trips this has to be one my most unusual and fun trips.

    On Friday, January 29th, at the BB&T Arena in Sunrise, FL, about 40 plus miles away, ‘Def Leppard’ and ‘Styx’ were having a concert that started at 7:00 pm. I picked up a married couple: she’s blonde, very pretty, in her 30’s and a fitness instructor – this fact will be important later.

    Although it’s against the law, I allowed her to carry a large drink cup which presumably had alcohol. It was apparent she had several already. She promise not to spill a drop – again, more about that later.

    So it’s Friday night, running late, heavy traffic and raining on and off and my passengers are a pretty blonde and a cool older husband who want to party and listen to some rock ‘n’ roll. We were off. After sitting in traffic forever on this long-haul, she kept saying she had to “pee,” but of course there is no place to pull over on the turnpike and no time even if we could. With music blaring from my speakers, I noticed that she rolled down the windows and stuck her arm out very far and slowly emptied her cup.

    At the time I thought that was nice, but later she did it again. I asked her about it, thinking it was odd that she had to empty her drink twice.

    She told me that she slid her pants down and by using the sheer strength in her legs she was able to balance and pee in the cup. In the backseat, behind me, while I was driving in traffic. Without me noticing. TWICE, she did not spill a drop on the seat or on the car. I would normally be furious, but I was so impressed, I wasn’t even mad!

    Ended up being the largest fare of the week plus a nice tip and the most fun.

    Long live rock ‘n’ roll!

    Got Any Driver Confessions?

    Submit your craziest driver confessions here to get it all off your chest and turn your story into something positive. Whoever we pick for the segment will win a $50 Amazon gift card. Tell us your tales from the asphalt!

    Last Week’s Driver Confession: A “Custom” Hatchet Driving Job

    -Christian @ RSG

    Christian Perea

    Christian Perea

    In 2014, Christian left his job at a mental health center to drive full time for Lyft and Uber. Since then, he has driven for mostly Lyft with a little bit of Sidecar and Postmates thrown in for experimentation and Uber when he doesn't feel like talking to people. He likes to talk about Politics and Economics over a good beer to whoever will listen to him.